Biblical ways to acquire a wife

[geoff]

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new
clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your
wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the
wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.
That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative
of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her
for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

[pianoman]

Geoff, this is great. I had such a good chuckle over it. I saw another post on TMB that brought to question some old testament laws, and will post them here. Thanks for the laugh.

Letter (in part) to Dr Laura Schlessinger...

Christians believe homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances.

So I ask for your clarification on a few other of God’s laws.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding me that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

I can not take credit for this as I got it off of TMB, but am sure the author was quoting someone else, and wanted to share it.

Enjoy, and laugh out loud. God smiles too....................................Dale

[goodman]

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[Lol]

I told my 13 yo yest don't you marry anyone from the meetings - it is genetic suicide. Far too inbred.